expiationlogs | It's this air and time that's bringing me home again

[YOSUKE!!!!

it's the last thing he hears... and also the first thing.

he sits up in panic in his bed, clutching his chest tightly. he's breathing heavily--

wait. breathing? he's breathing?

he clenches at his chest even more. he looks down to see if there's any blood... no blood. no gaping hole where his heart should've been. he was breathing. his heart is... beating? he's in a bed. his bed. his bed in Aldrip that's next to Yu's. all of this is starting to percolate in his mind, dripping into some sense of reality. somehow.

he's alive? he remembers dying. he remembers being lifted up by that monster, even if he doesn't even want to begin to wonder what happened after that. this has got to be some sort of death-dream, or afterlife. this doesn't just happen where he just comes back to life.

right?

he's shaking a little now, nervous at what he's going to find next. he knows he should get out of bed, look and investigate... but the fear of the unknown is keeping him cemented to the bed.

so for now, he's going to try to calm himself and his rapidly beating heart that shouldn't be beating before he figures out his next step.]

[Yu has good friends, here in Aldrip. Friends who don't really seem to want him to be alone right now, and he...he can't blame them. Can't find a reason to say no. So he's been staying anywhere else since returning to the city: friends' houses, the dojo, the inn. It's been very kind of them. And he's reluctant to return to the house, even now, but-- he's quickly running out of clean clothes. So here he is, leaning heavily on the door as he quietly shuts it behind him, groping for the light switch on the dim evening cast. He doesn't reach it.

Doesn't take an expert to hear that someone's already there, rustling around in the bedroom.

Golf club by the entryway. He grabs it before quietly padding into the bedroom -- the door's open, just like he left it. Still messy. Somewhat ironically, Aldrip isn't known for high crime rates, so he's even more determined to catch whomever would dare to sneak into someone's room like this.

Brandishing the golf club like a weapon, he silently heads for the light switch, a few feet from Yosuke's bed. He'll take the person by surprise and hit them as soon as he turns on the light, he determines, but once he flips the switch, he--

--stops. Stares.

His arms drop to his sides.

It...it must be a trick. A prank. A dream. Something. Right now, he doesn't ask -- he can't, he's holding his breath, stunned and silently working out what in the hell he's really seeing, here.]

[he hears something. he wonders if it's Yu, but he doesn't want it to be him. what if it's the afterlife? but if it's not... then who else would be coming around here?

the door opens, closes... and then he sees him. his best friend, first with a raised golf club, then recognizing him too.]

Yu...

[his voice sounds kind of pitiful, choked. his grip tenses on the sheets of his bed.]

Don't tell me... you--you died, too...

[there's so much going on in his head right now, that it's almost impossible to process it all. this has to be the afterlife.

right?]

Nn... [His voice fails so spectacularly that it almost doesn't come out at all, shaky and weak, a little like how his legs are suddenly feeling.]

No.

[When he finally chokes the word out, it's like all the fight leaves his body all at once. He drops the golf club, hands balling into fists at his sides, and while he'd sort of like to slug Yosuke in the face, he doesn't. Can't.

Instead he does the next best thing, as he finally remembers how to breathe. He flings his arms around the other boy's shoulders, pulling him into a tight hug. He can't explain what's going on, but something in his chest clenches at the tone of Yosuke's voice. Yosuke's. Because somehow--]

You're back.

[Yosuke's vision is so blurry with tears that he can't really see what Yu's doing anyway. he sniffs a little, and then there's that... hug.

it feels so real.

Yosuke immediately moves to wrap his arms around Yu and grabs fistfuls of the back of his shirt, as if he's still trying to prove it's real. that he's not dreaming... or in an afterlife. he's shaking from the fear and overall emotion that's going through his mind and body right now, and some tears fall, even if he doesn't want them to.]

I don't know how... [he sounds so pathetic right now.] But if you say it's real... then it's gotta be true.

[he's still trying to reassure himself.]

[His mind is screaming that this can't be real, because it's not like what happened with Nanako, this is-- it was--

He doesn't even want to think about it, and besides, somehow it is. They're gripping each other so tight that it's almost a struggle to breathe, to move, to speak. Could a dream do that? An illusion? Yu...doesn't think so. He doesn't want to think so.]

It is, [he says, partially to himself. He sounds certain, though maybe not as certain as he'd like. But can you blame him? There's something so impossible about all of this, and anyway, Yosuke doesn't sound too sure either.

What the hell. How is this even happening?

The events from the last few weeks replay in Yu's mind -- he doesn't want them there, but it's sort of habitual, by now. It doesn't help, in the end; it only serves to remind him of how awful everything has been. His arms tighten just a bit around the other boy.]

You idiot...!

[they both have a death grip on each other and it's kind of uncomfortable on Yosuke's side, but he's not going to complain. it just means it's all real. that it's really Yu...

but at being called an idiot, he laughs in a shaky way.]

Better me than you.

[even though Yu probably won't see it like that, but Yosuke definitely does.]

[Yu is content to stay like this for a long, long time. His mind is a chaotic whirlwind --how? why? what is going on? what if...?-- and somehow this is the only part of it that makes sense.

--That is, until Yosuke speaks.

He disentangles himself all at once, solidly puts his hands on Yosuke's shoulders, and pushes him back just enough to make eye contact.]

Don't you ever do that again.

[In Yu's expression is an intensity usually reserved for battle. Their last fight in the TV world had been bad enough, watching his friends push him out of the way, taking every hit for him. This...this had been so much worse than the Thousand Curses, because Yosuke didn't come back from it -- not like before. Doesn't...

... Doesn't he understand how scared Yu was?

The expression cracks a bit at the thought; just a twitch of his eyebrows, but betraying more vulnerability than he usually cares to.]

Ever. I mean it.

[it kind of crushes him to see and hear Yu like this. it takes so much for him to crack that Yosuke knows that he'd really done a number on him.

but...]

I can't promise that.

[he rubs at his eyes to get rid of the tears with the back of his hand, and he stares at Yu in the face to try to match his intensity.]

I'd do it again if it meant that you'd be safe.

[even though Yosuke had been scared and sad and mad and everything in between... it's a solution that he would repeat again. in any instance where it would be just one of them who made it out... it was going to be Yu.]

[He exhales. There's something very noble in what Yosuke says --a strength that most people don't seem to give him enough credit to see-- but that doesn't make it right. That doesn't make it okay. Because--]

We're supposed to be a team. Making the tough calls together.

[--he has to believe there's a better way.

Yosuke is stubborn. He gets that. But it's not right for him to make that call by himself -- not when it puts such a burden on Yu's shoulders after the fact. Yosuke had been the one to put a label on them, anyway. Partners. That's supposed to mean something...right?]

I know you've got my back. I want you to trust that I have yours, too.

I know. But you didn't even have your Personas... how was that even going to be a fair fight?

[not that magic and all that jazz is the only way to fight, but up against something like that...

he tries to make eye contact with Yu now, his fists clenching on the blanket again.]

Even without your Personas... you're someone. You can do whatever you want, be whoever you wanna be. You've made a difference in everyone's lives and you'll keep doing that wherever you go. [his voice gets a little shaky.] And me? I'm just some guy that lives in Inaba.

[he rubs at his eyes with the back of his hand, trying not to start crying again.]

I know you have my back, too. Every other decision I make we can make together. But this... I can't let you die for me. Ever.

[ah hell, he's crying again.]

[It's the stupidest, most senseless argument he could possibly think of, and for a moment, Yu-- he doesn't know how to respond. Where to even start. It's as if he doesn't know --and he might not, really-- the impact he's had. Would there even be an Investigation Team if not for Yosuke? Would Yukiko and all the others have died just like Saki-senpai? Would they have even solved the case at all?...

...

In a sense, he's always been right at the heart of the team. The goofy grin, the voice of common sense, the shamelessness. The ability to do truly insane things without seeming to care how other people felt about it. Right now, however, Yu chooses a more selfish argument. It takes a moment for him to find the words; even when he does, it's his actions that speak first. He puts a hand to the back of Yosuke's neck, drawing him closer, close enough that their foreheads almost touch. Close enough that Yosuke won't miss the seriousness in his stormy gaze. He hasn't shed any tears over this -- he thought he was fully out, to be honest-- but his eyes have a watery sheen all the same. He holds his best friend there, demanding his full attention by way of proximity.]

And I can't do any of that without you. [He let's his words hang in the air for another moment, and then exhales.] What makes you think it was any easier for me to watch you die?

[they're so close. Yosuke lets Yu bring him that close though, and he can look him in the eyes. his own gaze is blurry, but he wipes his face with the back of his arm as if trying to make sure he's seeing everything right.]

I never said... it should be easy.

[he sounds a little hoarse, if only because he's trying to keep himself in control right now.]

But if the choice came down to it. I'm telling you, I'm replaceable. You're not.

[maybe it's his own bias telling him this... but in his mind, he's 100% correct in his assumption.]

You're not. [His voice is steady, determined, confident -- but why is his heart beating so fast? The feeling lodged in his chest is somewhere between angry and nauseous, in a way he can't quite put into words beyond knowing that Yosuke needs to understand how wrong he is.

Once Yosuke scrubs an arm across his eyes, Yu presses their foreheads together. It's too close, probably. Too personal. But he can't let the other's gaze move away even for a second.]

Not to me.

[even if it might be too close or personal... Yosuke finds himself relaxing a bit at the forehead touch. he has to close his eyes though, trying to compose himself from the emotions flowing through him.]

You can't say stuff like that.

[he'll move his hand to the side of Yu's face, opening his eyes as he does it. this is very homosexual, but Yosuke doesn't think much of it at all in the moment. it just feels right to do, he thinks.]

It makes you sound like one of those corny hero types...

[it's an attempt at trying to make a joke, but it kind of falls flat, even to himself. because he's still highkey too upset to make it a lighthearted comment.]

Even though you already are.

[The hand on his face is unexpected, doing little to still his racing heart and mind. The closeness, the dizzying feeling that all of this is really real...he doesn't know what to do with it. Any of it. Even Yosuke's stubbornness...

No. Maybe especially that.]

If I'm the hero, I can say whatever I want.

[Levity, again, but it falls just as flat for him. The smile that flickers across his face is fleeting, dying almost as soon as it appears, replaced by an uncomfortable silence that can't hide the sound of their breathing, the sound of his heart pounding in his ears. He has the sudden, somewhat insane urge to reach for more, to close in, and he finds himself moving closer, tilting his head just a bit until their noses are almost close enough to touch.

...

A few moments later, he pulls back, as if suddenly waking from a spell, something difficult to read flashing in his expression.]

I mean it, though.

[when Yu leans in, Yosuke does a little as well. it's kind of a subconscious thing, almost like he's in some sort of trance. Yu's presence is so warm near him...

and then it's gone. what feels like cold air replaces it, and he leans forward as if he's trying to catch himself from falling.

what... was that? his heart is beating entirely too fast, and his face feels red hot. whatever kind of expression that Yu might be portraying right now is lost on Yosuke because internally, he's losing his damn mind.

did they.. almost kiss? why had Yosuke leaned in like that?]

... Yeah.

[his voice is kind of breathy, and it's pretty obvious he didn't hear a damn word Yu said.]

Okay.

[say something, dumbass]

I need food.

[nailed it]

[It... It's only when he looks at Yosuke's face that he really registers his own shock over the moment. Did he... Did Yosuke... Were they about to--?

...

That couldn't be it. Somewhat still in shock, Yu is quiet for a moment, trying to take in his best friend's expression as he steadies his own breathing. His cheeks feel hot, tinged very lightly with pink. The silence just makes it worse, because now he's questioning everything, each time their eyes meet--

I need food. Those three words break the tension all at once. His cheeks still feel warm, but he exhales a soft laugh as he moves back, making more room for him.]

... Makes sense. Wanna check the fridge?

Edited 2023-12-22 21:35 (UTC)

[god, that was so awkward.

at least the silence gets broken... he was about to die (again) in the awkward.

he sits up more, and then starts to get up, stretching as he does so. he's a little stiff, as if he hadn't moved in a while... but not bad. he smiles at Yu, trying to brush off what almost happened as Just Weirdness.]

Cooked anything good lately?

[Oof. At least when it comes to food, they don't have to worry about unbreaking eye contact or long silences. He, too, is trying to brush off the weirdness. It could be a lot worse, in all fairness.

Ah. What a question, though. Yu runs a hand against the back of his neck, heading for the kitchen.]

... I haven't spent a lot of time here recently. [Three guesses why.] There might be some leftovers, though.

[? why wouldn't he not spend a lot of time in his own house? but you know what... he's not going to question it. maybe he doesn't want to know.]

That works too. Or... we could just go out and grab something. If you want.

Edited (i SWEAR i picked an icon) 2024-01-03 00:25 (UTC)

[Why would he not-- Yosuke you goddamn moron.

Anyway, it takes a second of thought, but in the end, Yu sort of figures that Yosuke could probably use some fresh air and movement after...everything. So he hums thoughtfully and then gestures at the genkan.]

Let's go out. [uhhhh not like that--] --and see what we can find.

[Yosuke nods. he's too preoccupied to even really consider freaking out about the gay agenda in Yu's words right now, so he's just going along with it.

but... he's so glad to be back.]

[So after Izuku came back to life, it only made sense for that to happen to Yosuke as well.

Scott obviously wants to check on him and everything, but he waits a couple of days, mostly to give him time to recover. He's sure Yu has been keeping him company anyway, since he had the most outward reaction, but after those initial days pass... Scott feels like he should pay a visit. Like, he can't prolong it forever, right? He doesn't want to. So, man up, Summers.

And randomly seeing him in Aldrip, just grabbing a sandwich and everything, well, guess it's better now than never to say something to him.]

Hey, uh.

[Geez, it's kind of stupid, but he's been hoping all week that Yosuke and Izuku would be brought to life and everything will be fine again, and they are alive and that's definitely good and everything, but he still feels kind of awkward. He didn't actually come up with something to say, because he was just in a pit of guilt and all that, so it's taking him a bit get the words he wants out.

Does he apologize? Does Yosuke want that? Or...]

...How are you feeling and everything?

[Wow, great start, Summers. Scott winces slightly as the words come out, but he lets them be because he doesn't know what else to say still.]

[it'd been weird, almost like it shouldn't be real. people don't just randomly come back to life and all that. but everything is too real in a way that an afterlife wouldn't be... probably.

he starts a little from getting his sandwich when Scott walks up and speaks. he's not really used to so many people caring like they have, and it's actually a good feeling. it's not just Yu that cares about him here, he supposes. not that he doesn't think the rest of the Investigation Team doesn't... it's just different than that, somehow.

he laughs softly.]

I'm okay.

[he's not going to mention the nightmares he has though -- he doesn't really want anyone to know about those.]

... I'm glad you were one of the people who made it out.

[It's hard to say if him and Yosuke are 'friends' yet, since one of the conversations he had with him was during the whole hot springs fiasco. But no matter his feelings about that matter, Scott's truly glad to see him, a small little laugh joining Yosuke's, mostly out of relief. He's really back. Hearing him speak truly sort of affirms that, like he's not some ghost wandering Aldrip.

Scott's not naïve enough to think he's 100% fine after dying and everything, but things feel a little normal again.

His smile fades a little hearing that last comment, as it's a small reminder of what happened, but he swallows past his building feelings to give him a nod. Yosuke's a pretty good guy and everything, huh?]

...Thanks, I'm glad too. [Scott lapses into silence for a moment, his teeth lightly chewing on his lip as he works up the next thing he wants to say.] I'm sorry that we couldn't get you out.

[Yosuke shrugs, fiddling with the hem of his shirt in a sort of nervous way. even though he's gotten used to talking about feelings with the Investigation Team back home, it's still... kinda weird to be talking about them with a stranger. not that Scott isn't cool or anything, but still.]

It's fine. [he smiles sadly.] I'd do it all over again if it meant you guys were safe.

[cute...]

[At least he's not the only one that feels awkward right now. Although, it feels like he should be the one that's more supportive or at least somewhat stable, given the fact that he wasn't the one to fucking bite it--

The corner of his mouth twitches upward for a moment, although it mostly fades into a small grimace because man, Yosuke really is a self-sacrificing guy, isn't he? Not that he thought of him as a coward or anything, but he really gave up his life for everyone else. It wasn't just talk.]

If we could do it again, I'd want everyone to make it out. [He wants that to happen next time, whenever that 'next time' occurs. Scott sort of got the gist by now that things won't be safe here for long, but at least he can be better prepared, right? So his friends don't die.

Although he still can't guarantee that. And... that just sucks. It's such a shitty realization and he hates it.]

But that was really something, Yosuke. [He rubs the back of his head, trying to stop himself from looking too upset in front of him.] You know everyone's gonna make sure that you don't end up sacrificing yourself again, right? Including me.

[yeah, he may be the world's ultimate asshole or screw up, but he would never want anything to happen to his friends. ever. even if some part of himself didn't hate himself, he still wouldn't let it happen.

that's why it was all such an easy decision.]

Yeah, I've heard a lot from Yu already.

[it... makes him feel some sort of warm that these people care so much about him. just a few months ago, they were all strangers to him, and he only knew Yu. he thought that the Investigation Team must've surely been a fluke, but... here he is. making those sorts of friends that actually care about him again.

it makes a lump form in his throat. maybe he was really was being capable of being accepted, dumb and weird as he is.]

I want everyone to make it out, too. I can't guarantee that I won't try it again if it keeps everyone safe, but... it's kind of comforting to know I won't bite it forever too.

[he had to try to make some sort of bad joke in there.]

[Scott can't help but briefly wonder what Yu's told Yosuke, but that's none of his business. He's not so nosy enough to ask because it's probably between them, just two really close friends from their home. Scott's glad that they have each other, he gets how much it sucks to be in a place without anyone that you know.

It used to bother him, but not anymore.]

Hey man, haven't you heard, you only get to sacrifice yourself once. Let others step up. [He weakly jokes, because it's not really fun to imagine anyone biting it for the sake of others, but Scott presses on.] Maybe we'll eventually get to start a new club.

[Jesus that was morbid, he cringes at his words, his face pulling downward.]

Sorry, that was stupid. Forget that.

[Yosuke laughs a little bit at that, and shakes his head.]

Dude, that sounds like something I'd say.

[which means it's terrible and kinda tone-deaf. but he understands what Scott's trying to do.]

We'll get to fight over who gets to sacrifice themselves when the time comes. At least we know we can come back, right?

[The laugh loosens more of that weight that's been knotted in his chest, just glad that the other teen can still do that. Also, laughing at his dumb comment instead of getting hurt or something is nice. Scott hasn't yet entered the awkward territory, or at least, 'haven't made things worse.']

Y-yeah, guess that's kind of cool? We don't really have to worry about dying for good in this place.

[It's kind of scary too though, because things shouldn't really work that way. People don't just come back to life. Scott's not complaining, far from it, but it's all fucking weird. Like, what does that even mean here?? It's too much thinking though.]

But uh, I think we should try to still prevent it as much as possible.

[listen... he is the king of bad jokes and taste, so how would he even get mad about something like that?

Yosuke nods in agreement, though.]

Definitely. It was... was kind of scary to go through. It's probably not something we should play with, just in case.

[what if they think that it's going to all be fine, and the next person stays dead? better not press their luck.]

What was it like?

[The question slips through his mouth before he really has the time to stop himself, because honestly, that thought has been on his mind since talking to Yosuke. It's truly something he's kind of curious about, in that morbid sense of way, but as quickly as that question comes out, Scott cringes once more.

This is truly a foot in mouth day for him.]

Sorry, Yosuke. [He exhales slowly.] I'm really fucking this up, aren't I?

[Yosuke just shrugs.]

I mean, it's kinda natural to be curious about that sort of thing, right? Even if it's morbid.

[people always say that talking about their trauma helps. the jury's still out on that one in his opinion, but maybe he should say something to someone.]

It was a lot, all at once. A lot of pain... and I was watching Yu and the rest of you guys get off the island. And then there was nothing -- that is, until I woke up in my bed again. It was like I woke up from a nightmare or something. But I knew I had died. I knew I hadn't dreamed it.

[Geez, he's really lucky that Yosuke is pretty cool with all this. Or just as stupid as him--]

Really? Just... nothing?

[Scott bites his lip, taking in that information with narrowed eyes, even though they remain hidden behind his shades. Guess it's not too surprising in a way, like what did he expect to hear? Yosuke admitting that he was a ghost and tried to grab everyone's attention through his ghostly wails? No, probably not. He shifts slightly on his feet, trying to think of what to really say.]

And there are no... scars or anything? [And it's clear that Yosuke has all his limbs, so. His body was just brought back to perfect health? Really freaky.]

[definitely stupid.

but he shakes his head.]

You probably don't wanna see me without my shirt off, but no scars. Kind of like I hit a "game over" and just reset in the house with Yu.

[a beat. because he had been in a video game scenario once.]

That's... that wouldn't just happen though, right? Video games aren't real.

[.........dude.]

Do you think we're in a video game???

[SCOTT GENIUNELY ASKING because he never thought about that before. That's like, next level weirdness!! At least he's better graphics than Pac-Man and he feels just like himself... not to mention that everything feels so real.

There were also those funky static things happening with the monsters near the snake village too. He hasn't forgotten about that and that sort of fits with the video game concept.]

Wait, but wouldn't that mean we'd only have a certain amount of 'lives' before... completely dying?

[... he actually hadn't thought about it at all until this moment. maybe he's on to something, here. it'd explain at least the death thing.]

I dunno. You think someone's keeping count of our deaths like we're Mario or something somewhere?

[uh.]

That's creepy as hell to think about, not gonna lie.

I think so? Both you and Izuku came back to life, so it's clear that they're keeping track of us at least. Although, I don't think this applies to the people in the village and everything... I think when they die, they stay dead.

[What the hell does that mean then??? Does that mean the person who's controlling all this is only bringing back certain people? Or are they just different because they're 'Chosen' and shit?

Man, thinking about this really sucks. Why can't they just have normal existential crisis? Scott thought that being in a video game would be cooler, but no, it's actually kind of terrible.]

Yeah, if they came back too... then they would've come back a long time ago.

[a shiver runs down his spine.]

Man, this is going to give me a headache to try to figure out.

[This is definitely too much thinking for one day, especially since one of them just came back from being dead. Time to just shove it in the back of his mind and deal with it later. Not like pondering about the meaning of life is going to help them right now.

Scott shifts, almost sighing, before nodding at Yosuke.]

I agree, so let's just forget about it for now. Besides, you got a sandwich to eat and everything. Being in a video game isn't going to change how good it's gonna be.

[Yosuke grins a bit.]

Yeah. We can think about it later, if we get more information. It was good seeing you though, Scott.

It's this air and time that's bringing me home again

yu.....................

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a couple of days after yosuke comes back??

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